Grateful To Be 70!

Three months from now, I will be 70 years old. I will then be compliant to the first part of Psalm 90:10 that says: "The days of our years are threescore years and ten....."

By then, I will have surpassed the years of my parents. My father died 12 days before his 70th birthday; my mother, 20 days before her 53rd birthday.

I have been in retirement for almost 10 years. And I thank God for all His blessings because even though I no longer have a regular income, His provisions never cease. I am still enjoying the things that I have been enjoying when I still had a job! In fact, even more.....Less pressure, more time for doing the things that I love.....However, the only downside is that, physically I am not that strong. I now recall that twenty years ago, I was very strong. On Saturdays, I would clean the whole house starting at 7:00 in the morning, non-stop until I was done at 1:30 in the afternoon. How I wish I could still do that! But I have already slowed down, and I easily get tired. Well, that is expected.....

I thank God for life. Notwithstanding the fact that my early life was a struggle, partly due to my timid personality and to the fact that I had little self-confidence. After finishing one year Secretarial course, I worked during daytime, and went to pursue a Commerce degree attending classes at night. But I was forced to quit my job because it was hard to work and study at the same time. I felt that I had to do well in my studies. I strived to excel, but since I was just an average student, I got a scholarship for just four semesters. Right after finishing college, I applied to several companies, but because job hunting was challenging, I got hired only after three months of submitting resumes and being subjected to examinations and job interviews.

People say that I am a pessimist, which in my opinion is not accurate. I am definitely not an optimist, but that doesn’t mean that I am a pessimist. I consider myself a realist.

I thank the Lord that in my most productive years, He led me to the jobs that became my reliable sources of income. I thank the Lord because He was always with me even during the darkest times of my life. When I felt like giving up, He was the One who gave me the strength and the courage to go on, and the assurance that all things will work together for good.

I come from a family with humble beginnings. My father was the sole breadwinner, and my mother was a stay-at-home mom who took care of six children. I thank my father for fulfilling the role of leader, provider, and protector of the family, and my mother for taking very good care of us. I thank God for the many memories I share with them – happy, sad and funny ones. I love my siblings. I miss the four of them because they are based in other countries and we seldom see each other in person. But thanks to technology, I still can see and talk to them (my sisters, that is - since my brothers are not fond of skype or facetime). As the eldest in the family, I don't feel good when they don't see eye-to-eye with each other. I remember my mother telling us that we should love one another, and help one another.....

I thank God for friends. Since I am basically a loner, I have a few select friends, and these friends are the ones that I trust. I thank these friends because they are the ones who I can depend on in times of crises in my life. They are the ones who are always there for me, praying for me, and giving me hope and encouragement.

I thank God for my husband whose love language is service. Thank you very much for doing things for me. My husband is an amiable person. He is intelligent, sociable, hard-working, obstinate, and an active person. Quite my opposite, me being a routine person, a loner, and accepting of the status quo. Ours has never been a perfect marriage. In fact, it is the opposite - a disastrous marriage. I admit, there were times I had thought of giving up. But it’s okay. I just have to accept that ours will never be a “marriage made in heaven”.....

One time when I expressed my disappointment to my children about their father, they said, “Mama, ngayon ka pa magrereklamo? At your age? Di ba sanay ka nang nag-iisa sa bahay? Sanay ka nang iniiwanan ni Papa para siya mag lamierda?” Oo nga naman. Sanay na ako. So why am I complaining now?

I know it’s not good to show discontentment, but I am just expressing what I feel now. Unfortunately, it is only in the recent past that I realized that married couples should, as much as possible, be together. When a husband attends social events, he should take his wife with him. And vice versa. That during the times that they cannot be together, each should know the whereabouts of the other. However, the parties that he goes to are drinking parties, which I don’t like. It was only later in life when I started reading books about marriage that I realized that at the start of our married life, we should have talked and reached an agreement on what each of us should expect from the other and had made some compromises. We should have regular scheduled dates; that we should have given each other gifts (not necessarily expensive ones and not necessarily on special occasions only). Just to let the other know that he/she is special and is always on his/her mind. But sadly, there was never any communication about these things. I grew up in a family that lived very simply. In fact, very simple that we did not even celebrate birthdays. And besides, I became independent very early in life. Maybe, that is the reason why I was not afraid to travel alone when I visited my siblings way back in my first two travels abroad.

I think the reason why I did not mind my husband going out to parties without me is because I had thought that was okay because that was what I saw in my family of origin. My father used to do that, and I thought that was the normal thing to do. However, when my two daughters got married, I noticed that they were always with their husbands when they go out, and that made me think.

Well, anyway, I just have to accept the status quo. It was partly my fault that my husband got used to leaving me at home. I never complained to him, and he got used to it. My being cold and seeming indifference about the bad situation we had in our married life led him to continue doing things/enjoying himself with his “barkada” and eventually to vices without my knowledge. For years, he led a “split personality” and was quite successful at that. It was only when it got worse that I learned about his vices.

On second thought, if there is one thing positive that came out from the trials I went through due to my husband’s indiscretion and irresponsible ways which caused the financial reverses in the family, is that I became more independent. I learned to do things which I had thought I could not do before. I even learned that I could face life without him. But is that a positive thing? Isn’t that one of the reasons why he continued his irresponsible ways? Because he saw that I could stay afloat without his help? But it was hard. REALLY HARD. There were times that I felt like giving up and shouting, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” How can a person be so insensitive toward the pain and suffering that he is causing his family? For a time, his selfish and irresponsible ways made me tough, made me unfeeling or unsympathetic toward the pain of others, because I would rationalize, if I was able to do it, why can’t they? It was good I realized before it was too late, that that was a wrong attitude. That the reason that I was able to stay afloat in spite of adverse circumstances was that it was God who gave me the strength and the courage to go on. That the sad and tough experiences I went through must not make me insensitive toward others who are going through similar things, and that instead of criticizing them for crying, I should encourage them not to give up and to reach out to God. That God is good, that God knows how they feel, and in His time, the Lord will lift them up from their sad situation.

I thank my gracious God that phase of my life is over. God is good. God is faithful. He raised me up from the pit of depression and blessed my family and restored to us more than what we lost due to financial reverses. Thank you, dear God!

Nevertheless, no matter how I try to tell myself that it’s okay, na sanay na ako, deep inside it still hurts. The pain is still there because the man I met and knew forty-one years ago, who had said he loved me, and who I had thought would help me overcome my weaknesses, who I chose to love in return and to be with for the rest of my life, is no longer the same man who had loved me. My only consolation is that he is redeeming himself by being a good, protective and loving father to our two daughters and a protective and doting grandfather to our only grandson.

Although my married life is very far from perfect, still I thank God for giving me two lovely daughters, Jen and Rose, and for that I should thank my husband. Will I still hope that our marriage can get better? Just like my two daughters? Is there hope? Isn't it too late? I don’t know. We are already in our twilight years. Is there a remote possibility that it will get better before one of us goes? A glimmer of hope? Maybe. But I know it would be difficult if it’s only me who will work to achieve it. Twenty years ago, I expressed my desire for us to undergo marriage counselling, but he did not like it. I know it is God’s will for husband and wife to have a good marriage. And because of that and in spite of the present circumstances, that is what I must look forward to. Just like what Paul said in Philippians 3:13-14, I must forget the past and look forward to what God has still in store for me in the future, even though that future is just for only a few more years because we are already in our twilight years.

I love my eldest child Jen, who is married to an intelligent and kind man. Thank you, Jen and Jeff, for giving me a very lovable, intelligent, and smart grandson. I love you, Jed!

I love Jen, my firstborn. For the first two and a half years of her life, my attention was focused on her as she was my only child then. But when my second and youngest child arrived, my focus shifted to the younger one. Regrettably, I did not know how to correctly handle the situation of having a toddler and an infant at the same time, and that made my eldest child feel rejection. My eldest is feisty even as a child, and I interpreted it as being disrespectful toward me, which is why I would have outbursts whenever she behaved that way. I am really sorry for that.

I also thank God for my son-in-law Jeff who is soft-spoken, kind and sincere. I know my grandson Jed is so smart and intelligent because he took after my daughter and most especially after Jeff. I can sort of empathize with Jeff because I can see a bit of myself in him (not intelligence-wise, but personality-wise). May God bless you, Jen, Jeff and Jed.

I also thank God for my second and youngest child Rose who has a very kind heart toward my youngest brother. I also thank God because He gave my daughter a husband who is intelligent, responsible, hardworking and likewise kind-hearted to my youngest brother. It is hard to find someone who will be considerate and kind to a person with special needs and at the same time a schizophrenic who is not his own relative.

Ted, you are the epitome of a true Christian. Your love extends to those beyond your own family. You love my daughter unconditionally. You are kind to us your in-laws, especially to my youngest brother. Your joy is evident every time you lead the worship service in church and also when you do gigs; you just love and enjoy your job! You have peace in your heart, that’s why sleeping has never been a problem for you. You can sleep even when you’re seated (although I know it is easy to sleep in whatever position after a hard day’s/hard night’s work.) Yes, I know your profession requires you to work day and night. Patience, kindness, goodness – these are what you have as shown in your attitude toward Gilbert. Trustworthiness which is another word for faithfulness, you have plenty of that. Gentleness and self-control, that’s what I see in your responses to my daughter’s sometimes not-so-reasonable demands.

I have said this before, and I will say it again: As husband and wife, Ted and Rose must live together independently as that: husband and wife - with only the two of you together in a house you can call your own home. That is what it should be, as God has designed it to be. But as it is, this is not possible, because we have to take into consideration Gilbert’s condition. From the bottom of my heart, thank you very much, my children.

Thank you, dear God for giving me 70 years! Thank you for being with me in all the stages of my life. Thank you for life, for family, for friends, for provision, for protection, for good health, and most of all, thank you for salvation. I hope I can still be productive in this world until you call me home.

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

I love the Lord, because He hath heard my voice and my supplications. Because He hath inclined His ear unto me, therefore will I call upon Him as long as I live. (Psalm 116:1-2)