A CONFIDENT HEART – Finding Love That Won’t Fail Even When I Do

 Reflection and Discussion

1. What is the craziest thing you have ever done for love?

I was 18 when I had my first boyfriend. During those days, that was not early. Some of my classmates had theirs when they were younger. But that relationship lasted only for about a month or two. I think I was crazy to test him. Hoping that he would say no, I told him that since we were still very young, we should cut off our relationship, but to my dismay, without hesitation, he agreed. I was so sad. It was painful to realize that he did not really care for me. A year later, I met another good-looking guy and I liked him very much, but that did not last long either because I found out that he was married. I was so devastated that in a birthday party of my officemate, I gulped two bottles of beer and got drunk. It was my first time to taste alcohol and when I got home, I vomited. I was so sad to think that nobody took me seriously.

2. Think about your desire to find a relationship, a job, a calling, or something else that would satisfy the longings of your heart. Like the Samaritan woman and me, have you ever looked to something or someone to fill or fulfill you? Describe how that might have shaped the pattern of your thoughts, decisions, and pursuits.

I had a third relationship after that one.  He was not my type, so I did not take him seriously. But it turned out that he was serious because even though my family moved back to Manila, he kept on pursuing me. Eventually, I let him know that I could not go on with the relationship, so he stopped although I knew it was painful for him. I did not have any boyfriend after that, and was loveless for nine years which added to my feeling of insecurity. When I finished college, I immediately looked for a job. The search was not easy. There were so many job applicants, and to be able to get hired, I must be the best. It was only after three months of job searching that I was able to get a job, but since it was a temporary one, after two months, I was jobless again. It was so depressing. After about two months, I got a comparatively good paying job. Life went on; the job demanded a six-day work week, leaving Sunday only as my rest day. For a time, I felt that I was being useful, being able to contribute substantially to the family income. But then, I could not say that life was complete. After four years into my job, I met a guy who made me happy, for at last here was a man who I felt truly loved me, who made me feel safe. We had opposite temperaments. He is outgoing, while I am the reserved type. I had thought that with him, I would never be lonely again, and that he would be the one who would help me overcome my weaknesses.  After one year, we got married. We were okay for about a year, but later, he would always spend his free time with his drinking buddies. Although I never hid the fact that I didn’t like that, he would still go out with them, leaving me at home with my very small children. It was so sad to think that he preferred the company of his friends than me. I found out that he is not the person who would help me in my weaknesses. Instead of helping me overcome my weaknesses, he would constantly criticize me.

3. Are your closet, your schedule, your mind, and your life full? How about your heart? Are there empty places that you need and want to trust God to fill? If so, list them.

I had humble beginnings. In my childhood, my family belonged to the lower class. We did not own a house or a car. We did not have a television set or a refrigerator. We only had a radio. I had very few clothes, and it was a problem every time I had to get dressed for church or whenever I was invited to a birthday party of a friend. When I got a job that started to pay well after so many years, I was able to purchase some of the things that I needed. At school, even though I was shy, an attribute of an introvert, I would be happy whenever my teachers would recognize my efforts for being a diligent student. I joined a declamation contest in high school where I won. After graduation from college, I hopped from one job to another and in one of those jobs, I was thankful that I had a boss who was very appreciative of me. I was pleased whenever he would praise me, telling my officemates how hard working I was. One thing that is bothering me right now is what my eldest daughter has been telling me time and again. That I am not a nurturing mother, unlike her father (my husband) who would always shower our children with food. And I understand that.   My husband grew up in a home where food  played a most important role. The first time my husband (who was still my boyfriend at that time) brought me to a gathering in his brother's home where I met some of his siblings for the first time, I was amazed because it seemed that they were always eating. He then informed me that the main activity in their family was cooking.  In my family of origin, it was not.  As I said earlier, I had humble beginnings. However, I am grateful that we did not resort to borrowing money just to buy food. We would make do with whatever little we had, and shared it among ourselves.  I admit that I have shortcomings as a mother. When I was still working when my children were little, I never asked them how they did in school. This now leads me to thinking that I am a failure as a mother. I did not give them the time that they deserved.  Was it because that was what I saw from my parents? My parents did not supervise us in our schooling. They left us alone in our school assignments.  But I never considered it as an issue.   I just accepted it.  Unlike other families who are demonstrative of their love for one another, my family of origin is not.  Although deep inside, we love and care for one another, but we are not expressive. I know it is hard for my daughter to treat me like a mother because she did not feel that I “mothered” her.  Because I did not know any better, when my second child was born, since the younger needed more attention, I unintentionally showed more attention toward the younger one which my eldest interpreted as playing favorites. I remember instances that I prevented her from touching the baby for fear that she would hurt her baby sister.   My eldest daughter’s experience with me is that of criticism.  She was feisty, and I might have criticized her out of anger because she would always answer back whenever I scolded her. Four years ago, my daughter wrote an article where she briefly mentioned that she had felt rejection since childhood. It was only then that I realized how much I had hurt her. I expressed my regret for making her feel that way, and that I didn’t mean it to be that way. That her being strong willed made me think that she was being disobedient, and I didn’t know how to deal with that.  I then asked her to forgive me. After that, I thought she had already forgiven me. But every now and then, the same issue surfaces whenever I say something that she would interpret  as criticism, when my real purpose is just to remind her. Why should I at my age, criticize my own daughter? Maybe, I just didn’t know how to articulate it the right way. It is really painful to think that I don’t see eye to eye with my daughter. She does not understand me; I don’t understand her. It seems like we do not operate in the same wavelength. Although I have been telling people and myself that I am a loner, and that it’s okay for me to be alone, that I can handle the situation of being alone, still deep in my heart, I long for the love of my family. But I don’t blame my children if they don’t confide in me. I know I was not the mother that I should have been to them in their childhood. In my heart, I long for my children to really love me, to really care for me. If I will just be honest with myself, I will say that I envy the mothers who are the confidants of their children.

4. “The origin of the word worship comes from blending two words to form ‘worth-ship.’ When we worship something or someone, we give them great worth in our lives and oftentimes we find our worth in them” (p. 58).   Where are you most tempted to find your worth? In what area is it hardest to let God define you – and not the world’s standards (i.e., career, financial success, motherhood, marriage, or ministry)?

When I was still working I had the tendency to find my worth in my job, and in my ability to recover what we lost during the financial reverses in my family. In my last job, my salary considerably increased to the point that I was able to buy many things for the house, I became the major bread winner, I was able to send my children to college because I invested in educational plans, I spent for almost everything in the house - food, furniture, appliances, paid the monthly bills, including house repairs and renovation. Although I had the feeling that I was self-sufficient when it comes to material things, I never forgot to thank God for this. I know He is the one who gave me the opportunities and the abilities to work. I always thank God for all the blessings and I know that without Him, I am nothing. I do not define myself. I can’t think of any area that I find hard to let God define me.

5. Read Proverbs 19:22; Psalm 63:2-4; and Psalm 90:14. What do these verses tell you about God’s unfailing love? Have you ever wondered how God’s love could be enough?

Proverbs 19:22 – What is desired in a man is steadfast love, and a poor man is better than a liar.

Psalm 63:2-4– So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.

Psalm 90:14 –Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all of our days. The verses tell me that God’s steadfast/unfailing love is better than life; that His steadfast/unfailing love is enough to make me rejoice and glad every day of my life. No, I never wonder how God’s love could be enough.   I know that God’s love is enough because it is unconditional. God loves me not because I am good, not because of my accomplishments. God loves me in spite of my failure to love Him back the way I should. God loves me in spite of my shortcomings. I know that God’s love is enough. I have been a Christian for more than a half century. I have read the Bible many times and read about God’s love, that He loves me more than anybody else. I have accepted that truth and am very thankful to God for His unconditional love. He loves me in spite of myself. He was by my side during my darkest hours. But just like what Renee Swope wrote in her book “A CONFIDENT HEART”,  I still need that knowledge of his unfailing love to move from my head to my heart. For years, I have become independent. The experience of having to go through life’s challenges alone during my 40’s made me feel grateful that I survived without the help of family and friends. The many tears I had shed and the shame I had gone through seemed to make me tough and strong. I know I had survived because God had been with me during those times, and I am truly grateful. He did not abandon me.

6.  What is the difference between salvation and satisfaction in Christ?

Salvation is a one-time decision, but finding satisfaction in Christ and living in the security of His promises is a daily process. When I received the Lord Jesus Christ into my life many, many years ago, I am saved forever. But in order to find satisfaction in Christ, I must come to Jesus every day, I must daily look for direction from His Word and allow the Holy Spirit to quench my spiritual thirst.

7. “We were made for love that isn’t measured by our last accomplishment but marked by God’s measureless grace” (p. 62). Write a few WHEN-THEN statements for areas of your life where you can apply this truth.  For example: When I am tempted to measure my value by how well I am doing as a mother, or a wife, or a woman, or a friend, I will stop. Then I will thank God for His measureless grace that fills my gaps and determines my value, which is not measured by my accomplishments but by His love for me.

WHEN I can’t understand why things don’t seem to work out well, THEN I will thank God that I can trust in Him with all my heart, and that I do not have to lean on my own understanding because He will direct my paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

WHEN I feel so weak, and think that my strength is failing me because of my age, THEN I must thank God because His grace is sufficient for me, and His power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

WHEN I am overwhelmed with problems, THEN I will thank God because He causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

WHEN something seems unsolvable, THEN I will thank God because what is impossible with men is possible with God. (Luke 18:27)

WHEN I feel that I can’t do it, THEN I will thank God because I have strength for all things in Christ who empowers me. (Philippians 4:13)

WHEN I feel so alone, THEN I will thank God because the Lord God will never leave me nor forsake me. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

WHEN I’m too afraid, THEN I will thank God because He has not given me a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)

WHEN my concerns are consuming me, THEN I will thank God because I can give all my worries and cares to God because He cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7)

WHEN I don’t have enough confidence, THEN I will thank God for He is my confidence. (Proverbs 3:26)

WHEN I feel that I have no goals or purpose, THEN I will thank God for His goal and purpose for my life is to encourage my heart and to be united in love with my fellow believers in Christ. (Colossians 2:2)