A deeper look into my heart
I have to date devoured 26 books since I intentionally purposed to read one book per month since January 2014. In my elementary days, I would read tagalog magazines like Liwayway, Bulaklak, and some other tagalog komiks. Later, as a high school freshman, I would go to the library immediately after classes, and in one sitting, I would finish reading the book that I borrowed and then go home. My interest then was fiction. Several years later, I would go to a book store in downtown Cebu City to buy romance paperbacks written by Emilie Loring, and some other authors. I remember these paperbacks would cost around P1.50 to P2.00. I would buy and read some of her books like the “I Take This Man”, “What Then Is Love”, “To Love And To Honor”, etc. Some of my favorite books are "The Count of Monte Cristo" by Alexandre Dumas, "Wuthering Heights" by Emily Bronte. I remember reading the unforgettable book “Rebecca” by Daphne Du Maurier, which I liked very much. I also remember the book that made me shed many tears. That book was "Not My Will" by Francena H. Arnold. It was about a woman's secret love that could mean losing her inheritance and giving up a life long dream. She had to make a hard choice - whether to follow her own will, or to submit her life to the Lord Jesus Christ. Maybe the reason I developed this love for books is because of my basic nature of being a loner. I was never active physically. Instead of joining my classmates after classes who would linger in school to chat with friends, I would choose to go to the library to read.
However, this reading habit was cut off when I was already working. But not totally, because sometimes when I chance upon a book that would catch my attention, I would pick up the book and read it. However, my interest has changed. Now that I am retired from work, I like reading books about life, about improving my relationship with God and with people, which is why I am intentional in reading at least one book every month.
People outside of my family perceive me to be a good person because I am
not confrontational, but a compassionate one. But in my own family, I
am sad that they magnify my weaknesses. To them, my weaknesses outweigh
my strengths. Outside of my family, it is but natural that I am
careful with how I say things, although there are times that
unknowingly, I offend some people because of my bluntness; but within my
family circle, I just say what is in my mind. I do not “filter” my
words. It is a fact that we show our best side to people outside our
own family, but we are not careful with how we behave within our family
circle because we trust them, or is it because we take them for granted,
and we think that they can tolerate our weaknesses and blunders?
But this is not true in my case; especially with my husband and my eldest daughter. I have to be careful with my words, or else I will be criticized.
My husband is my number one critic. He does not tolerate things that I say which to him is nonsense. And to think that I was saying those things to initiate a conversation. It is really painful how he has changed. During our courtship days about 41 years ago, he was so proud of me; he would introduce me to his family and say the nicest things about me. But that was in the past. I am trying to analyze his change of attitude toward me. Was it because he lost my trust when he was caught for his indiscretions? Is it not but natural for me to lose my trust in him, for all his indiscretions that led to financial reverses in our family? In spite of all his indiscretions, I have already forgiven him.
My eldest daughter is smart. From the time she was born until she was 2-1/2 years old, my focus was on her. However, when my second and youngest child was born, my focus shifted to the younger one, and because of this, she felt rejection. My eldest is feisty. Even as a child, she would talk back to me whenever she thought that I favored her younger sister. And because of her feisty attitude toward me, and my youngest was more obedient than her, I was unconsciously showing more affection to the younger one. It was only recently that I realized that her feisty attitude was borne out of her anger toward me; that I have wounded her feelings.
I asked her forgiveness in 2011; I said, “I am very sorry” for what I have done to her, and I thought she had forgiven me. But there were times when I say things that would prick my daughter's oversensitive mind and trigger ill-feelings toward me. Just like what I said last year - that a teacher should have patience; she reacted negatively, telling me off, “andiyan ka na naman”. I never meant to criticize her. I just stated a fact that one characteristic that a teacher must have is patience. I was shocked when she reacted that way.
Then just recently, when I requested her to let her only son JZA to help me by staying with me and my youngest brother, she turned down my request because JZA and his father had not bonded for many days already. I then said that I knew that already, but I just tried, that maybe she would grant my request for help.
Below is our conversation on FB:
14/02/2016 07:45
ME:
pwede samahan ako ni JZA sa amadeus? wala kasi si YD (younger daughter), sasama kay TPA sa Sofitel. sayang naman daw kung di siya sasama, libre buffet. magde day off si kasambahay, kaya kami lang ni uncle. alam mo naman, kapag nasa bahay si uncle at ako lang ang kasama, nagpapasaway. kailangan ko talaga si JZA.
ED:
Naku ma, not today. Di pa sila nagkakasama ni JCA this weekend.
Ilang araw narin namin sya di kasama
Mula Friday pa. Tapos pasok nanaman si JCA bukas. Eh pag weekdays saglit lang sila magkasama dahil laging late na nakakauwi si JCA.
ME:
ok. akala ko lang naman mapagbibigyan mo ako. si only grandson, iniiwan ninyo sa amin kapag kailangan mong umalis. okay lang....
ED:
Since Friday pa kasi namin di nakasama ma. Sana maintindihan mo. Miss na miss na ng tatay nya
Tsaka weekend lang time nila magama. Weekdays nga kasi sobrang toxic dahil sa traffic
ME: 14/02/2016 08:00
bago ako nag pm sa iyo alam ko na na di pa nga nakakasama ni JCA si JZA, at may higing na ako na di pwede. nagbabakasakali lang naman na mapagbigyan ako, dahil talagang hirap ako kapag nag-iisa ako sa bahay na kasama si gilbert. well.... ok lang. naintindihan ko naman ang sitwasyon niyo, pero ako ok lang na mahirapan.
(We saw each other in church at about 10 am, and talked about this without ill feelings; so I thought ok na. But then, ED sent another message below:)
14/02/2016 13:00
ED:
Marami naman pagkakataon na jan namin pinatutulog si JZA pag wala ka kasama. You really should consider having the rest of your siblings take responsibility for uncle.
Syempre tulad nila rose, may buhay din yan. Kami din naman di namin mako commit na available parang mag assist kay uncle ura urada pa.
Tsaka antanda mo na parang magalaga sa kanya.
ED:
Kainis kasi that u play that guilt trip card on us. Hindi dapat ganyan. If u take responsibility for uncle, kasama na yan sa posibilidad that there are times u will be left alone with him.
Kung pwde lang, ok lang samin. Nagkataon lang na we have prior plans and tagal na namin d kasama si only grandson and play time din nila ni shane today
ME: 14/02/2016 13:50
Well, ibig sabihin talagang it is impossible for you to change plans para tulungan ako. I rest my case, I should have known better that you being strong-willed, will always have the last word. Ok lang, sorry kung nagkamali ako by playing that guilt trip on you. Nagkamali ako, sorry. Peace! I won't make any further comment on this conversation.
ED:
There u are with your judgmental spirit again.
Ganyan ka na nga talaga. Wala ka naman pinakikinggan eh. Para bang ako lang magde decide at wala akong sariling pamilya kung magsalita ka
I also have to consider their plans and expectations.
Paki consider yan
At magisip isip din minsan
Kasama yan sa natutunan ko sa book ni Townsend and Cloud na boundaries.
Again kung ibang pagkakataon at d kami naging super busy these past days, pwde naman namin iwanan si only grandson. Nagkataon lang na since Friday pa namin sya d kasama. Di naman mahirap intindihin dba?
Kailangan talaga mag conform mga tao sa gusto mo otherwise Mali sila. Wala kang konsiderasyon sa ibat ibang factors. Meron ka na kasi preset na judgment utak mo.
Binalik mo pa talaga ang mga labels na binitiwan mo sakin mula bata ako, na imbes na makatulong sa woundings that uve caused me. Pero I'll leave ur heart to God. Sana din maisip mo that u never chose to nurture a relationship with me because of ur critical spirit, kaya di rin automatic for me to feel close with u. I don't remember an instance that u were ever tender with me
Paki consider nalang lahat yan.
I think you're doing fine anyway. Nakaka chat ka nga eh
Meaning you're surviving your time alone with uncle.
END OF CHAT 14/02/2016 15:21 (She had the last word. I already stopped at 13:50. I knew that if I reacted to her words, she would not stop. Obviously, she felt guilty.)
“I think you’re doing fine anyway. Nakaka chat ka nga eh. Meaning you’re surviving your time alone with uncle.” Those were her last two statements that made me recall that incident on December 19, 2014. It was a traumatic experience for me. I will never forget that night. Gilbert and I were together in the house; just the two of us. He had an episode attack - his usual bad behaviour, bad language, and I really got badly hurt that night which I think was the cause of my injured shoulder which lasted for more than a year. I needed help badly. I sent a message to Jen asking for help, but she did not respond.
I know I should forget this conversation, but her words cut into my innermost being. After reading everything that she wrote, I could not help but shed tears because her words against me meant that she had not forgiven me. She kept on digging what I thought she had already buried when I asked her forgiveness. How many times must I ask for forgiveness before she would really FORGIVE? She said I have a judgmental spirit. Is it not the same with her? By saying that I have a judgmental spirit, isn’t it that she is also judging me?
The other night, I asked JZA what his mother was saying about me. At first, he would not tell, saying, “you don’t need to know.” But I insisted, and maybe because he knows that I am not the kind of person who will react violently, he relented. He said his mother said that I am a hypocrite for posting many things in FB. I explained to him, yes, I have been posting in FB excerpts from the books that I have read. I want to follow/practice what I have posted, but since I am still a work in progress, I am not yet the person that the Lord has purposed me to be.
It’s no good to dwell on these things. I am just expressing what I feel now. I am really sorry for writing words that led to my daughter’s digging the sad and painful past.
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. (Philippians 3:13)
But this is not true in my case; especially with my husband and my eldest daughter. I have to be careful with my words, or else I will be criticized.
My husband is my number one critic. He does not tolerate things that I say which to him is nonsense. And to think that I was saying those things to initiate a conversation. It is really painful how he has changed. During our courtship days about 41 years ago, he was so proud of me; he would introduce me to his family and say the nicest things about me. But that was in the past. I am trying to analyze his change of attitude toward me. Was it because he lost my trust when he was caught for his indiscretions? Is it not but natural for me to lose my trust in him, for all his indiscretions that led to financial reverses in our family? In spite of all his indiscretions, I have already forgiven him.
My eldest daughter is smart. From the time she was born until she was 2-1/2 years old, my focus was on her. However, when my second and youngest child was born, my focus shifted to the younger one, and because of this, she felt rejection. My eldest is feisty. Even as a child, she would talk back to me whenever she thought that I favored her younger sister. And because of her feisty attitude toward me, and my youngest was more obedient than her, I was unconsciously showing more affection to the younger one. It was only recently that I realized that her feisty attitude was borne out of her anger toward me; that I have wounded her feelings.
I asked her forgiveness in 2011; I said, “I am very sorry” for what I have done to her, and I thought she had forgiven me. But there were times when I say things that would prick my daughter's oversensitive mind and trigger ill-feelings toward me. Just like what I said last year - that a teacher should have patience; she reacted negatively, telling me off, “andiyan ka na naman”. I never meant to criticize her. I just stated a fact that one characteristic that a teacher must have is patience. I was shocked when she reacted that way.
Then just recently, when I requested her to let her only son JZA to help me by staying with me and my youngest brother, she turned down my request because JZA and his father had not bonded for many days already. I then said that I knew that already, but I just tried, that maybe she would grant my request for help.
Below is our conversation on FB:
14/02/2016 07:45
ME:
pwede samahan ako ni JZA sa amadeus? wala kasi si YD (younger daughter), sasama kay TPA sa Sofitel. sayang naman daw kung di siya sasama, libre buffet. magde day off si kasambahay, kaya kami lang ni uncle. alam mo naman, kapag nasa bahay si uncle at ako lang ang kasama, nagpapasaway. kailangan ko talaga si JZA.
ED:
Naku ma, not today. Di pa sila nagkakasama ni JCA this weekend.
Ilang araw narin namin sya di kasama
Mula Friday pa. Tapos pasok nanaman si JCA bukas. Eh pag weekdays saglit lang sila magkasama dahil laging late na nakakauwi si JCA.
ME:
ok. akala ko lang naman mapagbibigyan mo ako. si only grandson, iniiwan ninyo sa amin kapag kailangan mong umalis. okay lang....
ED:
Since Friday pa kasi namin di nakasama ma. Sana maintindihan mo. Miss na miss na ng tatay nya
Tsaka weekend lang time nila magama. Weekdays nga kasi sobrang toxic dahil sa traffic
ME: 14/02/2016 08:00
bago ako nag pm sa iyo alam ko na na di pa nga nakakasama ni JCA si JZA, at may higing na ako na di pwede. nagbabakasakali lang naman na mapagbigyan ako, dahil talagang hirap ako kapag nag-iisa ako sa bahay na kasama si gilbert. well.... ok lang. naintindihan ko naman ang sitwasyon niyo, pero ako ok lang na mahirapan.
(We saw each other in church at about 10 am, and talked about this without ill feelings; so I thought ok na. But then, ED sent another message below:)
14/02/2016 13:00
ED:
Marami naman pagkakataon na jan namin pinatutulog si JZA pag wala ka kasama. You really should consider having the rest of your siblings take responsibility for uncle.
Syempre tulad nila rose, may buhay din yan. Kami din naman di namin mako commit na available parang mag assist kay uncle ura urada pa.
Tsaka antanda mo na parang magalaga sa kanya.
ED:
Kainis kasi that u play that guilt trip card on us. Hindi dapat ganyan. If u take responsibility for uncle, kasama na yan sa posibilidad that there are times u will be left alone with him.
Kung pwde lang, ok lang samin. Nagkataon lang na we have prior plans and tagal na namin d kasama si only grandson and play time din nila ni shane today
ME: 14/02/2016 13:50
Well, ibig sabihin talagang it is impossible for you to change plans para tulungan ako. I rest my case, I should have known better that you being strong-willed, will always have the last word. Ok lang, sorry kung nagkamali ako by playing that guilt trip on you. Nagkamali ako, sorry. Peace! I won't make any further comment on this conversation.
ED:
There u are with your judgmental spirit again.
Ganyan ka na nga talaga. Wala ka naman pinakikinggan eh. Para bang ako lang magde decide at wala akong sariling pamilya kung magsalita ka
I also have to consider their plans and expectations.
Paki consider yan
At magisip isip din minsan
Kasama yan sa natutunan ko sa book ni Townsend and Cloud na boundaries.
Again kung ibang pagkakataon at d kami naging super busy these past days, pwde naman namin iwanan si only grandson. Nagkataon lang na since Friday pa namin sya d kasama. Di naman mahirap intindihin dba?
Kailangan talaga mag conform mga tao sa gusto mo otherwise Mali sila. Wala kang konsiderasyon sa ibat ibang factors. Meron ka na kasi preset na judgment utak mo.
Binalik mo pa talaga ang mga labels na binitiwan mo sakin mula bata ako, na imbes na makatulong sa woundings that uve caused me. Pero I'll leave ur heart to God. Sana din maisip mo that u never chose to nurture a relationship with me because of ur critical spirit, kaya di rin automatic for me to feel close with u. I don't remember an instance that u were ever tender with me
Paki consider nalang lahat yan.
I think you're doing fine anyway. Nakaka chat ka nga eh
Meaning you're surviving your time alone with uncle.
END OF CHAT 14/02/2016 15:21 (She had the last word. I already stopped at 13:50. I knew that if I reacted to her words, she would not stop. Obviously, she felt guilty.)
“I think you’re doing fine anyway. Nakaka chat ka nga eh. Meaning you’re surviving your time alone with uncle.” Those were her last two statements that made me recall that incident on December 19, 2014. It was a traumatic experience for me. I will never forget that night. Gilbert and I were together in the house; just the two of us. He had an episode attack - his usual bad behaviour, bad language, and I really got badly hurt that night which I think was the cause of my injured shoulder which lasted for more than a year. I needed help badly. I sent a message to Jen asking for help, but she did not respond.
I know I should forget this conversation, but her words cut into my innermost being. After reading everything that she wrote, I could not help but shed tears because her words against me meant that she had not forgiven me. She kept on digging what I thought she had already buried when I asked her forgiveness. How many times must I ask for forgiveness before she would really FORGIVE? She said I have a judgmental spirit. Is it not the same with her? By saying that I have a judgmental spirit, isn’t it that she is also judging me?
The other night, I asked JZA what his mother was saying about me. At first, he would not tell, saying, “you don’t need to know.” But I insisted, and maybe because he knows that I am not the kind of person who will react violently, he relented. He said his mother said that I am a hypocrite for posting many things in FB. I explained to him, yes, I have been posting in FB excerpts from the books that I have read. I want to follow/practice what I have posted, but since I am still a work in progress, I am not yet the person that the Lord has purposed me to be.
It’s no good to dwell on these things. I am just expressing what I feel now. I am really sorry for writing words that led to my daughter’s digging the sad and painful past.
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. (Philippians 3:13)
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